The little diaper hobby I enjoy is my most closely guarded secret. I have separate accounts and pseudonyms so I can participate online in anonymity. My diaper inventory hides in inconspicuous cardboard boxes in the far corner of the basement. I make use of opaque bags for disposal. And my most consistently recurring nightmare involves being discovered in dramatic fashion by people I respect.
That’s why I’m caught off guard when every so often I get the urge to blurt it out. When for whatever reason, my inhibitions step aside and I want the world to know now. That urge has yet to make the leap to impulsive action. And while that urge would cause the least damage to my reputation with a stranger, it usually strikes with respect to people who are close to me. Like most things diaper-related, I don’t know why it is the way it is. So the following thoughts are largely theoretical, though each is rooted in real experience.
The first human I ever confessed to was a therapist. Like a pressure valve, I felt stress leave my body in an instant. I’ve never felt as light on my feet as I did the day I left his office. Beyond that, he didn’t end up being that helpful to me. But just having told someone was immensely freeing. The weightless feeling that followed was almost addicting, and the desire to feel it again tempted me to reveal it to more people with reckless abandon.
Some secret-keeping is primarily an exercise of will. Secrets of thought, or secrets that belong to someone else require only that you refrain from blurting it out. The secret life of a diaper lover involves shrapnel — artifacts in the real world that require a lot of work to keep concealed: the damning trash evidence that sits in the bin for a week between collections, the suspicious additional private time you need for changing and cleanup, noises and smells, digital traces of online shopping and support-seeking, and of course the diapers themselves. It’s a lot to manage and the secrecy fatigue is real. Getting one step closer to a day when you don’t have to so vigilantly sweep up your tracks — and maybe occasionally walk around the house without pants — might almost seem worth the risk. But it’s entirely contingent upon the level of support you find only after the cat is out of the bag.
Least explicable of all, is the apparent embarrassment masochism that breathes on me from time to time. That somehow the thought of being caught or noticed in a diaper might actually be a little thrilling. I consider myself very far away from an exhibitionist on that spectrum — but why the humiliation of being caught in the act sounds the slightest bit fun is a complete mystery to me.
The unpredictability of the reaction I might receive is both terrifying and invigorating. It can go one of two ways, but the prospect of being met with love and acceptance despite my oddities is alluring — a reward that might outpace the risk. It is a, perhaps pitiable, bid for validation that might never be satisfied until the very last person on earth knows. Add to that the distant hope that maybe, just maybe, they might respond, ”me too.”
Looking back on the handful of people I have told, I wonder to what degree these factors played a role, or whether it was all actually quite rationally executed. I regret a couple of them. Maybe those are the ones I approached with the wrong motives. Hard to say. Either way, it’s yet another of the mind games battling it out in Diaper Arena.
The Recovering Diaper Lover 
Is this blog still active? I find a lot of your reflections to be good food for thought, because it’s rare to find a Christian DL who puts their struggles and thoughts into words and shares them online. If you’re still out there, how’s it going with balancing diapers with normal life and marriage/family?
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I am still here. I always intend to write so much more than I end up being able to write. Also just realizing that when I got my new phone last fall I forgot to move over my recoveringdl email account so I wasn’t getting comment notifications. I’m sorry about that.
Things have actually continued on a pretty stable path. Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt quite as compelled to write as much lately (not that that’s a good reason) but there’s been less conflict, so there’s less drama to write about. It’s a great relief to have a low stress, open and judgment free environment. I expect, that as my kids begin to come out of their young obliviousness that that freedom will again become restricted and you may find I’m back here writing more 😬 Those are often the times I feel most angsty — when I want to wear and am unable. Like when we’re staying with family or have guests in the house, etc.
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It’s great to hear you’re still out there and that you’re doing well. I didn’t know your family had grown…congrats! It can be weird having diapers around all the time when one has this quirk, but at least in my case the two feel completely unconnected. With your wife’s tolerance of all this, I have to ask…in addition to wearing, do you use them too? I feel like that would be a big hurdle for a spouse over and above the act of wearing a diaper. Does she interact with it much, or mostly just give you space when youre wearing? Also, I’m curious how your routine of limited wearing has affected any of the sexual feelings around all this, if that’s part of your experience. Does it make the sexual side of it stronger, or does it help to diminish it? Sorry for all the questions, but I’m curious what it looks like when somebody integrates this into a normal life.
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Yes, I do wet them. That was maybe the most embarrassing part to divulge when I first told her about it. But she just said “well yeah, I assumed that was part of it.” Guess it does kinda make sense since that’s what they’re for. I don’t ask her to be involved, but she will pat my butt when she notices — and I love it. And yes, my routine of limited wear I think is precisely why the sexual component of it is greatly diminished. That was one of the goals of that approach from the get go. I started by wearing A LOT in the beginning to normalize it and get rid of the novelty, and then stepped it back to a cadence that maintains that sense of “normalcy.”
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Thanks for sharing that. For my part, I’ve been very much in the abstain from it at all costs camp, even though the thoughts and desires obviously remain. I have always worried that if I even dip my toe into wearing diapers I would go down the slippery slope and lose control. One day it’d just be about trying it, and before I know it I’d be wanting to go 24/7, or developing increasingly extreme fetishes, or trying to get my wife into it (and she is definitely not) and destroying the marriage and family that I care so much about. Or at least that is my fear. I find your experience so interesting because it suggests that at least for some people a “middle way” really is possible. I am also impressed with how you and your wife have handled this.
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Well thanks, that is kind. And I can relate to that in many ways. I was (and maybe occasionally still am) worried that things could go totally off the rails. But I try to keep checks and balances on it and review from time to time where I’m at. I impressed with what you’re doing too. That’s not an easy road to walk. I’m always fascinated by those who are able to live well in abstinence.
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