I love the holidays. This year was no different. But it was differently celebrated than I’m used to. Instead of tradition-oriented, home-based celebration, much of the holidays was spent traveling with my wife’s family. And I did, truly, have a delightful time. I saw things I hadn’t seen before, got to know my new family better, and was pushed out of my comfort zone into some new adventures.
Given my once-a-week diaper routine, extended time away always gives me a bit of pause, even mild worry, that disruption of that routine might lead to hard times. It is, in some ways, both a blessing and a curse that a weekly diaper keeps me stable. It’s such a simple remedy. But having relied on it for an extended time, it becomes harder to dispense with the expectation that it’s coming every week.
To be clear, I did so well. Compared to past years when I had no diapers or too many diapers, it was so manageable. The relative difficulty I experienced was truly fractional. But, by the end of the trip, I was feeling anxious to put one on. In preparation for the trip, I did wear one the day before. I also brought one. Primarily as a mental salve to know that if I needed to I could. And secondarily to wear if I got desperate. And I never did. So, I guess, it actually worked. And all of the systems and routines and fail-safe measures kept me grounded.
Though, I did wear diapers two consecutive days when I got home — to rebalance. I think that materialized out of a conscious bargaining charade I put myself through in those anxious times. You’re missing a week, but you can tough it out, because you can make up for it when you get back. I set up that expectation for myself, I rely on it, and then I kind of have to do it when I get back, otherwise I’m disappointed and I’ll feel all the more pull to wear. It’s the same disappointment I feel when I’ve looked ahead a few days, picked a convenient day to wear a diaper that week, but that day arrives and unforeseen obstacles prevent me from wearing that day.
The point is, I think a lot of the anxious and disappointed feelings that make the desire to wear diapers difficult to bear sometimes, are a function of my own expectations. I get attached to the idea of being able to wear on a certain day or on a certain schedule, and then when life interferes, that’s when I have a more challenging day. I’m not sure what the remedy is. It’s also the routine that makes this work. Can I somehow loosen up my expectations such that I am able to have a target frequency with less rigidity in how it plays out? Not allow myself to schedule so far in advance, and allow for more spontaneity?
Friends, I find that I have less to talk about these days. I think there is something of a finite pool of topics that people in the DL community rehash over and over again, and I’ve never wanted this blog to become redundant. But I desire to write with enough frequency that I’m keeping an arm of outreach extended to those who feel alone in this. Particularly as one of only a few vocal DLs that are members of the Church. So, I’d love to ask for your assistance feeling out other relevant topics I could share my thoughts on, and we could discuss on the blog. If you’ve got a topic or question on your mind, please add a comment below. I’d love to continue exploring new thoughts with you, and your input would be invaluable to me.