Small Beans

I’ve had few thoughts of profundity lately. My mind has been on other things. But I feel attached to you all and want to keep the line open. Just a couple quick thoughts:

There’s an obsessive quality to this diaper thing — and it ebbs and flows — but I think that may be one of its more disturbing qualities for me. Some weeks it’s present and others it isn’t. On a graph, it would be a fairly volatile, undulating pattern. But I think taken as a whole, and averaged to eliminate the volatility, you’d see a line that slopes gently downward. I attribute that entirely to routine. I’ve stuck to a pretty solid “two diaper days a week” routine even in times when I’ve wanted it more or needed it less. I think the consistency has brought the decrease over time.

I must admit that over the last few weeks there have been moments when I might have described myself as “trapped” in the routine. It’s just sometimes difficult to feel I have a choice. If I stick to the routine, things normalize, but I have to (get to?) wear diapers the rest of my life coupled with all the secrecy — and perhaps shame — that come with it. But if I toss the diapers out completely, I fear the power the triggers may regain.

I reckon that may be how most people feel about the “thorns” in their sides.

Lest you believe me depressed or without hope, I am actually quite at peace right now. There are a lot of joyful things in my life and the future is so bright. As big as this issue sometimes feels in our lives, it’s actually relatively insignificant on the spectrum of problems. And for that, I am truly grateful.


Then and Now

I’ve been thinking lately about the two periods of my life when I’ve worn diapers incongruous to my age — both now and when I wet the bed as a kid — and how they compare. While the mechanisms of each period are essentially the same — wearing a diaper, and doing so in secret — not all of my attitudes and circumstances are the same.


My disposition in each case is definitely different. Back then, I hated it. Now, I quite enjoy it. I remember being so excited the day I woke up with a dry diaper when I was about nine, and on the days that followed as I remained dry. I was ready to leave diapers in my past and “grow up” as it were.

I’m not entirely sure whether it was just the concept or also the sensation of wearing a diaper I disliked. But I wasn’t necessarily tearing them off first thing in the morning as one might expect if that were the case.


It is equally true now as it was then that I’d be downright humiliated to be caught wearing a diaper by someone who didn’t know. Or even by someone who did, I guess if by accident. I’ve never worn a diaper in adulthood and had somebody be openly aware of it — though I’ve been suspicious that others were suspicious on a couple of occasions.

Once, when I was a kid and we had a babysitter over, one of my younger siblings ran out of diapers. Before I’d thought it through I piped up, “Oh, it’s ok! They can use one of my-y-y-y…” and then looked immediately at the ground. The babysitter laughed instinctively, until she realized I was serious. I was deeply embarrassed and swore her to secrecy.

Another time, our family was staying with some family friends who also had a boy my age. When he invited me to sleep in his room I declined, telling him I had a secret I didn’t want him to know. He insisted that he would keep my secret, but I still refused and ended up sleeping in a room with the rest of my family instead. What a shame.

As an adult, any time I’ve felt the need to tell another human being about my, er, interests, it’s accompanied by a thumping heart and blushing cheeks. That has just never gone away.


Isolating feelings fall easily upon anyone who wears a diaper past toilet training age. The stigma locks you in a solitary confinement cell you just don’t dare breach for the sake of your reputation — which makes finding other people like you all the more difficult. And we all yearn for the comfort of another “me too” friend.

In grade school, I remember the relief I felt when I walked into the bedroom of a new friend to see a package of diapers plainly visible in his closet. He was much less protective of his secret — and mine, as it would turn out, after we’d had a few sleepovers together. I showed up at school one day to be confronted by the neighborhood bully who taunted me with the inside scoop he got about me wearing diapers to bed. He was all too happy to give up his source, my new friend who shared my infirmity. I’m sure he was trying to deflect the embarrassment he felt and validate his situation to this bully by sharing my secret. But I felt very betrayed and again so very lonely.

I invited my cousin to sleep over one night. While we were packing up his stuff, his mom instructed him to pack one of his younger brother’s diapers “just-in-case.” This was clearly just an attempt to make me feel supported, but it actually did kind of help. He dutifully put it on that night, and I felt bad for him, but also so very grateful.

The plight of a recreational diaper user is perhaps one of even more isolation. Absent any manifestation of physical need (though there could be arguments made for a psychological one), you don’t tend to earn much sympathy from the outsiders as you might if you were simply incontinent. And we’ve all learned to hide it so well that we can’t even find each other. We can’t congregate or commune with one another. We can’t support and encourage each other face to face. So we’re all just stuck talking to each other over the internet behind nondescript avatars and pseudonyms.

The Precious Gift

A reader reached out to me recently and told me a frightening story of desperation — a reader who, along with the diaper struggle we share, also struggles with some mental health issues. He spoke of a recent moment when he was feeling suicidal and making plans to harm himself. Just as he was about to act on that impulse, he had the thought to go buy diapers instead. So, at 3am he walked into the store and bought diapers for the very first time. Once he did, his suicidal thoughts dissipated, he felt the calm return, he felt rational thought return and ultimately chose life.

We could take this story really far to prove all kinds of points in favor of the average diaper lover. But I’m not going to. While I don’t believe his only two choices were diapers or death, I do understand what it’s like when you can only see two options. In survival situations, your brain diverts oxygen away from rational thought centers toward the centers of instinct, which are best at quick decisions and black and white thinking. I’ve got my own demons causing mischief in my head. I’ve never gotten to the point of suicidality, and my heart goes out to those who are there or have been there. But I get that those kinds of torment can be unbearable and narrow your vision.

If you find yourself in a place where the only choice ahead of you is between harming yourself or someone else, and a diaper — please, just wear the diaper. Meddling with the precious gift of life has irreversible consequences. Everything else can be repaired.

He asked if he’s feeling suicidal, how should he know when to call someone. The answer to that question is always. If suicidal is a word that can describe your state, you need to talk to someone. Start with the Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255).

I know this diaper thing, and life’s other stressors can be debilitating at times. But nothing is bad enough or permanent enough, that taking your life won’t make things worse for you and your loved ones. It’s God’s great gift to mortality — a gift Jesus paid for — a gift your parents sacrificed to give you. At the very least know that I would be devastated to learn that you, my friend in this trial we share, had taken your life. Please cling to it and value it. You can choose almost anything else instead. Just not that.

Community Two

I still maintain that some of the best content on this site comes from the comments many of you have made. For that reason, I like to highlight a few of them from time to time just so they don’t get lost.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories. It’s a huge blessing to me and others like you.

Again, though I’ve tried to pull out the best parts of these comments, I encourage you to click through to the full comments in context. There really are some touching stories in here.


These two, more than any of the others really need to be read in full!

Honestly I didn’t know that there were other people out there who struggle with these same feelings until just yesterday. I’ve been struggling with diaper-loving ever since I can remember, and it has been a lonely battle…
So I decided that I NEEDED to tell my husband… As soon as I got the words out, he responded “So all it would have taken for this not to be a problem would have been to buy some adult diapers?” We had a long, deep conversation about things, and decided that my diaper-loving tendencies were something we could live with in our marriage, so long as the sexual aspect of them remains something for intimacy and is used only when we are together…
I want so very badly to keep the Lord’s commandments and do what is right. I’m sure the answer will be slightly different for everyone, but I am so grateful to finally know that I’m not the only one fighting to find answers in this area. Thanks for writing this blog.


See Full Comment Here >


The desire to wear diapers came back a few months after we were married… I ended up buying some and felt so guilty. I tried to hide it from my wife, but I couldn’t… We talked it over and she was just so understanding and loving about it. I knew it was kind of silly, but at times I felt like maybe she loved me less when I used them. But after talking to her she reassured me and expressed her confidence and love in me. And so, for the first time ever, I kept them. It was such a different and even liberating experience just to know that yes, the diapers were there, and it was ok. I could use them if I wanted to, and I knew that my wife would love me anyway. I felt safe for the first time ever. It was like this huge burden was lifted from me in a way that I’d never felt before. I’m still trying to figure everything out myself, but your posts have been such a huge support to me, so thanks for being brave enough to share. I’m sure I’ll share more in the future, but I think this is a good start! So thank you guys so much!
I know that we can get through this. Heavenly Father never does give us things that we can’t handle. And honestly, I feel strongly that the struggles that I have been through with diapers has made me into a better disciple of Christ. It has made me so much more compassionate towards others who struggle, and realize that really everyone struggles with things in their lives.


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Eventually, you need to find a ground to land on that is suitable for living an LDS lifestyle. I firmly believe you can wear diapers and have that side of your life filled while still holding to the guidelines we are taught. The topic that needs to be addressed is “What is safe for YOU?”


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As I was driving home, I felt the overwhelming urges or compulsion to buy some adult diapers. I really felt like it, so I prayed… I felt prompted to talk to a friend… After talking to [him], I walked away from his door and got in my car. I sat down and realized that I felt better. Reach out, not in…
We live in a small world, and people need hope. I’m reading, the world is reading, and eternity is reading. If you need help, don’t stop reaching out.


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I like to consider that there is a massive domain of possible paths forward and strategies for responding to hunger and most likely there thus exists strategies that will be very effective at harnessing them and having them propel us powerfully in the right direction. Hunger is one of the most significant realities of living–quoting the Mormon scholar Adam Miller: “If religion is about living life rather than dodging it, then this hunger can’t just be brushed aside, tamped down, or covered over. Your heart beats and your lungs expand and your brain thinks and your cells divide becaue of it. Like the ocean tide, the push and pull of your body’s needs give order and direction to your day. They put you in bed at night and pull you back out in the morning. They set your table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They stand you in the shower. They wrap you in warm clothing. Soliciting you, these hungers give body to your most elemental joys.”…
The main objective should be to figure out how this energy can be harnessed for enthusiastic pursuit of righteous living.


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I have been reading your blog alot this summer, and it has brought me great comfort and support. I’m also a recovering dl, and it’s a dang hard road… I have all of the same goals as you. I almost feel that if a more mature version of myself were to write a blog to me, it would be very, very similar to this. I hope your struggle is going well, and I just want to express my gratitude towards you and your bravery.


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Your background is almost the identical story of my life. Though I assumed there were practicing Christians with these same desires, I still felt that I was a lone freak…
I find encouragement through your words, and the responses of others on this site. Though I still haven’t figured out how to “bridle” this part of my life, or my attachment to it, I do take solace in the fact that there are other men out there who have properly dealt with this and lead meaningful lives in service to God.


See Full Comment Here >


There is so much strength in talking to others. Really, we all need to find someone who can compassionately tell us we are okay sometimes… and that’s not a bad thing…
The feelings and pride of control and manliness are and should be based on our inner peace and outward actions toward others. Find your solace in accepting who you are with pride.


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A Beaker

I make plenty of mistakes as I continue my search for the best, most harmonious and peaceful way to live with my peculiar attachment to wearing diapers. The overarching objective is to reduce their importance in my life, and I’ve had to establish some limits to keep me on that trajectory.

Looking back on the times that I have had slip-ups, they’ve always come after I made an exception to those self-imposed guidelines. I thought it might be interesting to some of you if I shared them with you, but do so with some trepidation that they might be received as some sort of cure-all formula. These are all designed specifically to fit my goals and challenges, not yours. But maybe you can draw some inspiration from them. So here they are:

Wear a diaper once or twice a week.
I’ve found that the minimum and maximum are both important for me to maintain control. Too few and it backs up. Too many and it’s always on my mind.

No consecutive diapers.
I am most susceptible as I’m putting on or removing a diaper. When those things immediately follow one another, it can lead to trouble. So basically this just means one diaper a day for me.

Observe diaper curfew.
I’m also less wise and inhibited when it’s late at night. So I don’t allow myself to put a new one on much later than 11-ish.

No diapers in bed.
See previous item. When I’m finally laying down, with outside stimuli turned off, it makes me hyper-aware and therefore more sensitive to the slightest suggestion. Also, I sleep terribly when I’ve got a diaper on.

Quick, standing application and removal.
Putting a diaper on and taking it off should be quick and down to business. In addition, doing it in any other position than standing causes delays and alternate stimuli that can be too much for me.

These are pretty effective for me — so long as I keep my discipline and commitment to them healthy and intact.

Nip and Tuck

My most recent post was a bit of an incomplete thought. It came as I was puzzling about why diapers had been on my mind so much recently. For about a year now, I’ve persisted with this initiative to wear a diaper once or twice a week — on my terms — as a means of harnessing the power this strange affinity has had on me over the years. It has actually been pretty successful for me.

Part of what was so powerful about beginning to occasionally wear diapers, was that it stripped all of the fantasy away and left me with nothing further to explore via imagination — an activity for which the internet was key. So the online diaperverse all but disappeared from my life, with the exception of occasional visits to a pretty tame, well-moderated support forum, and recreational visits to online diaper merchants. The desire just dissipated.

But over time, the obsessive thoughts between diapers started to take hold again, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Until I stepped out of my trance and realized that my occasional “safe” diaper website visits had become a daily affair. Despite my realization, I shrugged it off for a couple weeks. And then the Lord put a tragic cautionary tale in my life of passions left unbridled, and that was the incentive I needed.

So I’m trimming off some extra fat to make for darn sure that I’m not anywhere remotely close to that. A couple weeks ago, I cut myself off from that daily habit and I felt instantly better. Those sites are actually relatively clean, but I think the fact that I was giving the topic a few minutes of intense daily focus, was granting it some adhesion.

Anyway, I’m sure there are still other small, incremental changes I can make that will take me to yet healthier states of coping. Taking inventory now.


Single Eye

A thought has been recurring in my mind the last little while. It was reinforced both by topics in church this week and by a talk from General Conference I happened to review by chance. It’s nothing original. You’ve heard it before. But it’s been vying for my attention. It is simply this:

Is God first in my life?

But maybe that’s a long way off. Is that a lifelong pursuit? Is that the definition of perfection? I don’t think that it’s as easy as it sounds. Maybe this:

Are diapers ahead of God in my life?

I feel like my immediate response to that question is no. Have diapers kept me from fulfilling my callings? No. Have they kept me from church? No. Have they kept me from my daily prayers and scripture study? No. Check, check, and check.

But, I do think about diapers a lot. There’s scheming and planning and anticipation. Couldn’t I devote a lot of that time and energy to higher causes? Imagine if I was able to reclaim all of that mental capacity and channel it into temple, missionary or humanitarian work? What could I have accomplished? Would I be a more effective instrument in God’s hands right now?

It’s sobering.

Well, I don’t have all the answers and I want to do better. I’ve been so thrilled by the stories that have been shared here in the comments the last few weeks. I learn a lot from you and feel camaraderie with you because of this weird thing we share. So I’d love to hear from you in the comments on this topic: When do you know it’s time to reign it in? What are the indicators that diapers have more hold of you than they should? And what limits have you set for yourself to keep it under control?

Thanks, friends. Can’t wait to hear from you.

Words From Another Mormon DL

One of my regular readers, Kyle, reached out and asked if he could share his story. He’s also an LDSDL. You may recognize him from the comments he’s left here. The following words are not my writings, but his. One thing that I’ve learned in the last year is that each of us takes a different approach to this issue, and we need to hear that variety of experience. So please enjoy this article from a guest author:


Kyle’s Story:

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my diaper-loving lifestyle has taken me through the ringer. It started when I was 7 years old. I cannot describe it. My parents had a daycare. I was in kindergarten. One morning I had this tempting idea to grab one of the largest diapers and put it on. It felt really nice and comfortable. Simply put, I got caught by my mom later and it ended right there and then… till I was 14. I was riding along with my sister and brother-in-law in the car driving back from a family trip. They thought I was asleep, so their conversations were a little less than filtered.

“I cannot believe this guy was such a freak,” David said.

“He really asked you that?” Molly responded in disgust.

“Yes! The freak of nature told me the job included running the store. Everything seemed great! He then said his job had one stipulation, that the person he hired wasn’t shy in helping him change his freaking diaper when he needed it.” He paused, “That psychopath can change his own diapers!”

Almost without warning my mind began to race… “Diapers? People still wear them? What in the…” and within a matter of minutes, my puberty-stricken body took to liking the sound of that. My body responded like any normal teen would to a hot girl, and I was hooked.

As soon as we got home I began Googling every little thing I could about wearing diapers as a teenager. I did all I could to avoid anything nasty. My clean mind didn’t want anything to do with por**graphy or crazy, obsessive ideas, it wanted that soft, comfortable imagery to be a reality. I wanted to wear diapers.

Nothing came of it immediately. My mother ran a daycare out of our home, and in doing so I had plenty of items at my disposal. But I was 14. What could I do without getting caught and having the world’s most awkward conversation imaginable for a teen? So, I stuck to my imagination. I found the site this guy had made who offered Dave the job. Being the creative mind I was, I started reading diaper stories and word-p**n that essentially rotted my brain and etched my craving for wearing them even deeper on my heart. It did not matter what the story was about, so long as someone was being subjected to wearing diapers. It had me entrenched.

From then till I graduated high school it continued. I told no one. I would binge cycle and get engrossed in the filth that came with the por**graphic side of it all, then feel horrible once I had stepped over the line and m*******ted. I am sure you have felt the same. It is all fun and great, then when you got too far your heart sank and you felt like the scum of the Earth. You knew Heavenly Father was displeased… I know I did. It hurt and I was so scared to say a word to anyone. I avoided the topic in my head and labeled my problem as ‘personal’ or ‘no one else’s business’. How could I even begin to tell my parents, let alone my bishop at church what I was into?

Other kids and their problems seemed so… normal. I almost had wished my problem was flat out naked photos, not this. I wanted my problem to just be a teenager with female curiosity and march into the bishop’s office and tell him what I had done so I could get on with the change I so desperately needed.

I would justify my problem and repent on my own through prayer and I kept feeling like that was alright.

Time continued and this cycle repeated till I decided to go to college.

My feelings sank and I repressed my addiction long enough to get a mission call and go serve. It was wonderful. I felt like the weight I had carried was gone and I served my entire two years without an incident or second thought to my problems.

But they didn’t die…

I returned home and the lifestyle of college continued. I dated, moved around, studied… the usual. I had everything going right until my first, really hard and painful breakup occurred. I wanted to curl up and stay in my room awhile, and wouldn’t you know it? My temptations wanted that too. In my curious and fragile state, I went to a store and set out to buy diapers.
I was so nervous and worried someone would see me. I was frightened that my out-of-control spiral would begin again. It did. It was a wrecking ball on my life and personal happiness. I spent the next two years raging a constant battle in my heart and mind.

Then I met her, my eventual wife.

I opened up to her and explained, soft and gentle, the things I was dealing with. She accepted me for who I was and saw past my addiction. She loved me and there was nothing stopping her. There was no longer a temptation to use anything online as that had all melted away. However, my desire to wear diapers was still omnipresent. Being around my bride-to-be opened up my eyes. Wanting to be there for her and seeing how pure and wholesome she was, I was determined to keep myself spiritually ready so we could get married and there would be no unresolved matters.

It was tough, but I was tougher.

Having control over any negative side to diapers I felt like I was on top of the world! I was at peace with Heavenly Father and myself, and I found a healthy medium to make sure I was not in the wrong ever again.

Yes. I still wear and am into diapers. And of course, it is a part of who I am. It has molded into our lifestyle and she accepts me for me. I am worthy, I am happy… and the entire reason I shared this with you is because I wanted to encourage you not to give up. I hope you shed the foul part of this addiction and keep your chin up. It is hard but it does get easier. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, and I most certainly don’t know why this niche in our lives is such a fascination and rancid trap all in one. But I am here to tell you that there is a healthy balance that allows you to live your life in peace. So, should you decide you want to keep this as a part of “the daily,” here are some things you need to remember:

1) Just like all passions or cravings, we need to master self-control

2) Just because ‘the world’ says indulging in the sexual side to this fetish is okay, doesn’t make it so. That is between you and God.

3) There are more of us dealing with this than you can imagine. You are not alone.

4) Just because you feel lost, doesn’t mean you should lose hope.

My prayer is that whoever you are, whatever stage of this addiction you are dealing with, that this message finds you well and you see that even though the struggle is real, you can and will make it! If you feel down and out, don’t give up. I know you have tried countless times to start anew and recollect yourself… then only failed days, weeks or months later all over again. You will find peace. God doesn’t give us challenges we can’t handle.






I guess I’m just kind of used to this. I wear a diaper a couple times a week. So what? It doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me anymore, which I guess was kind of the point. It used to be a big production accompanied by a lot of adrenaline. Now it’s kind of routine. Still enjoyable, and relaxing and fun mind you, but it has normalized. I’m co-existing with it.

My stress and anxiety around it are now much less pronounced. That seems like a big deal to me.

You know what I’m still not used to? Seeing the guy in the mirror with a diaper on. I don’t recognize him. That still cuts me right down to size. I feel ridiculous and peculiar. All of the judgment I fear from others, I feel surging through my own thoughts: What could possibly be appealing about that? Aren’t you way too old to be wearing that? You’re just orchestrating some charade, walking out into the world like an adult. Adults don’t do this. What kind of an example are you setting? No one would could possibly respect you if they knew about this.

But everybody has something like this, right?!

And then that wave of isolation hits. That’s one thing that doesn’t seem to change no matter how used to it I get. There’s still a steady yearning in me to connect with other DLs that believe the same things I believe. I guess we all try to find some sense of community — especially one with which we can commiserate our shared hardships.

How do we make this work better?


What I’m feeling right now is unsatisfied. There doesn’t really seem to be a real great solution any direction I go. I feel stuck.

Let’s revisit this fighting fire with fire approach I’ve been taking recently. When fighting real forest fires, firemen run ahead of the blaze conducting controlled burns that starve out possible fuel sources. They create a perimeter so the fire can’t burn further than where the firemen decide it can. But this comes with some risks. Sometimes, if you’re careless, controlled burns can run amok.

So, I’ve been running with this controlled burn strategy for a while. Yes, they’ve gotten out of hand a few times — weeks where for whatever reason I get a little crazed and keeping to my limits just wasn’t enough and I wore diapers more often than I would have liked. I want to wear less. The controlled burn strategy has been very effective at keeping me away from unwholesome corners of the internet where I’d burn hours of my time. I now spend far less time in far safer online forums, but there are times when even that gets excessive.

I don’t feel that any of this is overly damning. And I’m in a more manageable situation than I’ve been in for a long time. But when I ask myself some of the hard questions — Is this the best use of my time? Does this sometimes usurp important priorities in my life? Service? God? The needs of others?  it doesn’t quite feel like this fits. It’s a distraction.

As I was reviewing some previous General Authority messages leading up to Conference I continued to feel conflicted. In one I’d hear: You aren’t born this way. This isn’t who you are. You are meant to become something better. And then in another: Remember Paul’s thorn in the side. Some weaknesses will stay with you throughout your mortal life. In my notes, I wrote: “Have I been letting the conventional wisdom of the world seep into my understanding of spiritual matters?”

So here stands a terribly unqualified fireman — wishing the fire hadn’t started in the first place, praying for a rainstorm.