One of my regular readers, Kyle, reached out and asked if he could share his story. He’s also an LDSDL. You may recognize him from the comments he’s left here. The following words are not my writings, but his. One thing that I’ve learned in the last year is that each of us takes a different approach to this issue, and we need to hear that variety of experience. So please enjoy this article from a guest author:
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my diaper-loving lifestyle has taken me through the ringer. It started when I was 7 years old. I cannot describe it. My parents had a daycare. I was in kindergarten. One morning I had this tempting idea to grab one of the largest diapers and put it on. It felt really nice and comfortable. Simply put, I got caught by my mom later and it ended right there and then… till I was 14. I was riding along with my sister and brother-in-law in the car driving back from a family trip. They thought I was asleep, so their conversations were a little less than filtered.
“I cannot believe this guy was such a freak,” David said.
“He really asked you that?” Molly responded in disgust.
“Yes! The freak of nature told me the job included running the store. Everything seemed great! He then said his job had one stipulation, that the person he hired wasn’t shy in helping him change his freaking diaper when he needed it.” He paused, “That psychopath can change his own diapers!”
Almost without warning my mind began to race… “Diapers? People still wear them? What in the…” and within a matter of minutes, my puberty-stricken body took to liking the sound of that. My body responded like any normal teen would to a hot girl, and I was hooked.
As soon as we got home I began Googling every little thing I could about wearing diapers as a teenager. I did all I could to avoid anything nasty. My clean mind didn’t want anything to do with por**graphy or crazy, obsessive ideas, it wanted that soft, comfortable imagery to be a reality. I wanted to wear diapers.
Nothing came of it immediately. My mother ran a daycare out of our home, and in doing so I had plenty of items at my disposal. But I was 14. What could I do without getting caught and having the world’s most awkward conversation imaginable for a teen? So, I stuck to my imagination. I found the site this guy had made who offered Dave the job. Being the creative mind I was, I started reading diaper stories and word-p**n that essentially rotted my brain and etched my craving for wearing them even deeper on my heart. It did not matter what the story was about, so long as someone was being subjected to wearing diapers. It had me entrenched.
From then till I graduated high school it continued. I told no one. I would binge cycle and get engrossed in the filth that came with the por**graphic side of it all, then feel horrible once I had stepped over the line and m*******ted. I am sure you have felt the same. It is all fun and great, then when you got too far your heart sank and you felt like the scum of the Earth. You knew Heavenly Father was displeased… I know I did. It hurt and I was so scared to say a word to anyone. I avoided the topic in my head and labeled my problem as ‘personal’ or ‘no one else’s business’. How could I even begin to tell my parents, let alone my bishop at church what I was into?
Other kids and their problems seemed so… normal. I almost had wished my problem was flat out naked photos, not this. I wanted my problem to just be a teenager with female curiosity and march into the bishop’s office and tell him what I had done so I could get on with the change I so desperately needed.
I would justify my problem and repent on my own through prayer and I kept feeling like that was alright.
Time continued and this cycle repeated till I decided to go to college.
My feelings sank and I repressed my addiction long enough to get a mission call and go serve. It was wonderful. I felt like the weight I had carried was gone and I served my entire two years without an incident or second thought to my problems.
But they didn’t die…
I returned home and the lifestyle of college continued. I dated, moved around, studied… the usual. I had everything going right until my first, really hard and painful breakup occurred. I wanted to curl up and stay in my room awhile, and wouldn’t you know it? My temptations wanted that too. In my curious and fragile state, I went to a store and set out to buy diapers.
I was so nervous and worried someone would see me. I was frightened that my out-of-control spiral would begin again. It did. It was a wrecking ball on my life and personal happiness. I spent the next two years raging a constant battle in my heart and mind.
Then I met her, my eventual wife.
I opened up to her and explained, soft and gentle, the things I was dealing with. She accepted me for who I was and saw past my addiction. She loved me and there was nothing stopping her. There was no longer a temptation to use anything online as that had all melted away. However, my desire to wear diapers was still omnipresent. Being around my bride-to-be opened up my eyes. Wanting to be there for her and seeing how pure and wholesome she was, I was determined to keep myself spiritually ready so we could get married and there would be no unresolved matters.
It was tough, but I was tougher.
Having control over any negative side to diapers I felt like I was on top of the world! I was at peace with Heavenly Father and myself, and I found a healthy medium to make sure I was not in the wrong ever again.
Yes. I still wear and am into diapers. And of course, it is a part of who I am. It has molded into our lifestyle and she accepts me for me. I am worthy, I am happy… and the entire reason I shared this with you is because I wanted to encourage you not to give up. I hope you shed the foul part of this addiction and keep your chin up. It is hard but it does get easier. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, and I most certainly don’t know why this niche in our lives is such a fascination and rancid trap all in one. But I am here to tell you that there is a healthy balance that allows you to live your life in peace. So, should you decide you want to keep this as a part of “the daily,” here are some things you need to remember:
1) Just like all passions or cravings, we need to master self-control
2) Just because ‘the world’ says indulging in the sexual side to this fetish is okay, doesn’t make it so. That is between you and God.
3) There are more of us dealing with this than you can imagine. You are not alone.
4) Just because you feel lost, doesn’t mean you should lose hope.
My prayer is that whoever you are, whatever stage of this addiction you are dealing with, that this message finds you well and you see that even though the struggle is real, you can and will make it! If you feel down and out, don’t give up. I know you have tried countless times to start anew and recollect yourself… then only failed days, weeks or months later all over again. You will find peace. God doesn’t give us challenges we can’t handle.