I struggled for many years as a teen and pre-teen trying to make sense of the tendency I had to want to wear a diaper, and trying to keep some degree of control over it. Hormones being as they are at that age, I did not have much success. Those years were rife with experimentation, fantasy, consumption — and the subsequent guilt and shame.
Later in high school, I began to more fervently prepare to serve a church mission once I graduated. I committed myself to regular scripture study, attended church meetings and seminary with purpose, enrolled in extra institute classes and mission prep. Gradually, I noticed the diaper issue settling. It was still very present, and still demanded vigilance, but was not nearly as volatile or disruptive as it had been.
Miraculously, once I reached my assigned country, and committed myself to missionary service, diapers all but floated away from my daily consciousness. I can’t entirely explain how. Though I tend to credit the consuming focus a mission demands, and the extra blessings I believe God pours out on His missionaries that brought upon me the closest thing to freedom from diapers I have ever attained. In my day to day thought patterns, diapers were virtually non-existent. Environmental triggers would occasionally obstruct my view, but I could generally brush them aside. I do remember still being bothered by diaper dreams occasionally, for which I felt incredibly guilty. But all things considered, I was living pretty peacefully.
But missions end, along with whatever factors that were at play keeping the diapers in check. I white-knuckled my way through a lot of it for a while, and if you’ve read the rest of this blog, you kinda know the rest of the story. It raises a few questions about what I’m doing, as a faithful and active member of the Church, to keep myself from reaching that state once again. Short of running off to a monastery, I don’t know quite what that is.
But the real point of all this was to establish a place to compare experiences. I’ve heard from some returned missionary DLs who had an experience much like mine. And I’ve heard others who still struggled mightily while in the mission field. To you DLs who have served missions, what was it like for you?