Fields

I struggled for many years as a teen and pre-teen trying to make sense of the tendency I had to want to wear a diaper, and trying to keep some degree of control over it. Hormones being as they are at that age, I did not have much success. Those years were rife with experimentation, fantasy, consumption — and the subsequent guilt and shame.

Later in high school, I began to more fervently prepare to serve a church mission once I graduated. I committed myself to regular scripture study, attended church meetings and seminary with purpose, enrolled in extra institute classes and mission prep. Gradually, I noticed the diaper issue settling. It was still very present, and still demanded vigilance, but was not nearly as volatile or disruptive as it had been.

Miraculously, once I reached my assigned country, and committed myself to missionary service, diapers all but floated away from my daily consciousness. I can’t entirely explain how. Though I tend to credit the consuming focus a mission demands, and the extra blessings I believe God pours out on His missionaries that brought upon me the closest thing to freedom from diapers I have ever attained. In my day to day thought patterns, diapers were virtually non-existent. Environmental triggers would occasionally obstruct my view, but I could generally brush them aside. I do remember still being bothered by diaper dreams occasionally, for which I felt incredibly guilty. But all things considered, I was living pretty peacefully.

But missions end, along with whatever factors that were at play keeping the diapers in check. I white-knuckled my way through a lot of it for a while, and if you’ve read the rest of this blog, you kinda know the rest of the story. It raises a few questions about what I’m doing, as a faithful and active member of the Church, to keep myself from reaching that state once again. Short of running off to a monastery, I don’t know quite what that is.

But the real point of all this was to establish a place to compare experiences. I’ve heard from some returned missionary DLs who had an experience much like mine. And I’ve heard others who still struggled mightily while in the mission field. To you DLs who have served missions, what was it like for you?

Advertisements

Community Three

It’s funny how I always get the hankering to do one of these comment summary posts in August. So I’m just going to go right ahead and officially declare it an annual tradition!

My favorite result of having published this blog is not the outlet it provides for me, but rather the community that has rallied around this blog — supporting and encouraging and sustaining one another. I’m so grateful that you feel comfortable sharing your stories here. As you gain peace by reading others’ stories here, so others gain peace by reading yours. Thanks for your contributions. Keep them coming!

There is such a wealth of experience, camaraderie, and empathy in the comments that I just can’t bear the thought of them going unnoticed. So, in this post, I’m going to highlight a few comments made on the blog in the last year. These have been abridged here for brevity, but I encourage you to follow the links to the full comment threads.

 

RELATIONSHIPS

One of the things my husband and I have discussed is keeping this appetite within the bounds the Lord has provided. Because in my case, diapers are definitely more of a sexual appetite, it’s pretty clear where those boundaries are… my husband and I agree that there are some aspects of diapers that we feel have enhanced our relationship, because without them, it is really difficult for me to have any kind of intimate relationship… I have found that as time has gone on I seem to be needing diapers less and less, so it is just kind of one huge learning process!… I’m sure things will continue to change as time goes on, and even though I know I don’t have all the answers yet, I feel like the Lord knows I am trying my best, and that he is pleased with my efforts.

Katie

See Full Comment Here >

 

I have also met an incredible woman, who is now my fiancé. I to had the same experience with her about my addiction to diapers and her reaction was the exact same. She was super supportive and kind of happy. She told me That she is happy that that is my temptation in life instead of pornography, alchohal, drugs, or anything worse. I never thought about this diaper addiction as a blessing in disguise.

Dustin

See Full Comment Here >

 

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

I’ve never come to the brink of making the decision to end my life, but I too have had some very hard nights. I’m beginning to realize the diaper itself is not my biggest issue. My issue is happiness. With or without diapers I need to find a way to find happiness and to find peace with who I am.

frustrateddl

See Full Comment Here >

 

DIFFERENT STROKES

It has been 10 full months since I have even entertained a thought or fantasy regarding diapers or looked up anything diaper related online, and a year since wearing them. I never thought it would be possible to be in the place I am now, but I am. I refuse to get over confident, but I do have a strategy that works for me and I plan on staying with it.

Robert

See Full Comment Here >

 

THE POWER OF SHARING

Until yesterday, I thought I was alone. But now I’ve never felt so normal. My heart has been so light today, knowing I’m not a freak. I was really unsure about whether or not I could be a true disciple of Christ and find diapers appealing. I feel so much better about my life now.

Life OnTheMark

See Full Comment Here >

 

I have read your blog many times, and commented once or twice, though you obviously don’t know me. Thank you for speaking out, and for speaking truthfully and vulnerably to us all on your blog. It has given me such great comfort. We think very, very similarly… It gives me great comfort and great hope. And I am so thrilled about your marriage!

fox

See Full Comment Here >

 

I discovered this blog only several weeks ago and was amazed at what I found. First of all, I had no idea that there were other people out there who had the same beliefs I did, with the same struggles. I read some of the bios on here and think, “Wow, that’s almost exactly how my life has gone.” I’ve struggled with this since I was a kid, and have always thought there was something very wrong with me and I didn’t deserve help or understanding or even love… I don’t have to feel alone anymore. Thank you so much for creating this space for us to come together and help each other through this. This truly is a heaven-sent gift!

Nate

See Full Comment Here >

 

 

A Speck

The longer I grapple with this diaper thing, the more I realize how insignificant it is in the universe. Wow, there are so many serious problems out there. So much war and slavery, hunger and poverty, exploitation and greed, malice, prejudice, hate. Sometimes I want to wear a diaper. What a tiny tiny thing.

Even in the realm of personal quirks there are so many worse, more harmful and even predatory tendencies to be cursed with. If this is the grand personal challenge of my life, I should consider myself very lucky. Relative to my own life, it feels huge. Relative to so many others’ lives, it’s so miniscule.

So much of my angst comes from how I imagine others might react. And yet, of all the people I’ve put upon with my secret, not a single one has freaked out — I think my demeanor and presentation have made a difference (it was well thought-out and rehearsed!). But every single time, I’m almost disappointed at how inconsequential it strikes them, how insistent they are that nothing has changed for them, and how not-disgusted they are with me. I was expecting a big scene.

…and I think I’m finally starting to believe them.

 

 

 

Relationship Status

I began this blog years ago as a single man, traversing the world in aimless bachelorhood, blown about by my many whims. In the time that has elapsed since then, I met, dated, proposed to, and married a truly phenomenal woman. Forgive me for the delayed timing in disclosing this important part of my life. She gave me her approval to write about this quite some time ago, but I hemmed and hawed, waiting to find the right angle. But there are some important messages in this story, so I’m just going to go for it.

It’s funny how entering into a relationship brings sharp focus to all the things about yourself you wish were different. You want to give your counterpart the most perfect companion they deserve, which is always going to be someone better than you. So, from the beginning, my strange diaper issue was lying in wait to be the undoing of this wonderful blessing in my life. But because I cared about her, I knew she also deserved to understand the whole package she was committing to before it was too embarrassing and painful to end it.

I was surprised how quickly she gained my trust. I witnessed the fruits of her compassionate, judgment-free and supportive nature over and over again. It was only a month into our relationship when, while talking privately on a park bench, I was ready to tell her. She could feel my heart pounding, which probably put more emphasis on the subject than was necessary. But I laid it all out. I explained it in much the same way I have on this blog. I tried not to overwhelm her, and I kept it simple. But I told her a more complete story than any person I’d opened up to before. I wanted there to be no surprises for her.

I’d ultimately expected it to turn out well, based on what I knew about her. Though I imagined it would take some time — that there might be some initial horror or disgust in her reaction. But there was none. I just saw the same support and compassion I’d watched her give before. With an “Oh, is that all?” tone in her voice, she insisted that it was a “non-issue” for her. That’s a word she’s used to describe it many times since: a “non-issue.” It’s humbling to expect disgust and receive only compassion and charity.

Recently, we reflected on that day. She said that rather than pushing us apart, that moment pulled us closer together. In her eyes, it was a demonstration of my love and trust. What has seemed like the largest, most daunting challenge of my life, to her in many ways was a relief. Because my focus was trained so firmly on this issue, she feels it has saved me from many far worse troubles. What perspective! What sweet words to hear!

We’re now married. We talk about it from time to time. But it’s a “non-issue” in our marriage. I’ve stayed with my regular pattern of wearing a diaper once or twice a week on my own time, and it’s a fairly benign thing nowadays.

Most of all, I think this message needs to come through loud and clear: diapers or not, YOU are LOVABLE. And whether or not you’ve found them yet, compassionate, loving people (much like my wife) are as real and as vital and as present as the air you breathe.

Small Beans

I’ve had few thoughts of profundity lately. My mind has been on other things. But I feel attached to you all and want to keep the line open. Just a couple quick thoughts:

There’s an obsessive quality to this diaper thing — and it ebbs and flows — but I think that may be one of its more disturbing qualities for me. Some weeks it’s present and others it isn’t. On a graph, it would be a fairly volatile, undulating pattern. But I think taken as a whole, and averaged to eliminate the volatility, you’d see a line that slopes gently downward. I attribute that entirely to routine. I’ve stuck to a pretty solid “two diaper days a week” routine even in times when I’ve wanted it more or needed it less. I think the consistency has brought the decrease over time.

I must admit that over the last few weeks there have been moments when I might have described myself as “trapped” in the routine. It’s just sometimes difficult to feel I have a choice. If I stick to the routine, things normalize, but I have to (get to?) wear diapers the rest of my life coupled with all the secrecy — and perhaps shame — that come with it. But if I toss the diapers out completely, I fear the power the triggers may regain.

I reckon that may be how most people feel about the “thorns” in their sides.

Lest you believe me depressed or without hope, I am actually quite at peace right now. There are a lot of joyful things in my life and the future is so bright. As big as this issue sometimes feels in our lives, it’s actually relatively insignificant on the spectrum of problems. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Then and Now

I’ve been thinking lately about the two periods of my life when I’ve worn diapers incongruous to my age — both now and when I wet the bed as a kid — and how they compare. While the mechanisms of each period are essentially the same — wearing a diaper, and doing so in secret — not all of my attitudes and circumstances are the same.

Disposition

My disposition in each case is definitely different. Back then, I hated it. Now, I quite enjoy it. I remember being so excited the day I woke up with a dry diaper when I was about nine, and on the days that followed as I remained dry. I was ready to leave diapers in my past and “grow up” as it were.

I’m not entirely sure whether it was just the concept or also the sensation of wearing a diaper I disliked. But I wasn’t necessarily tearing them off first thing in the morning as one might expect if that were the case.

Embarrassment

It is equally true now as it was then that I’d be downright humiliated to be caught wearing a diaper by someone who didn’t know. Or even by someone who did, I guess if by accident. I’ve never worn a diaper in adulthood and had somebody be openly aware of it — though I’ve been suspicious that others were suspicious on a couple of occasions.

Once, when I was a kid and we had a babysitter over, one of my younger siblings ran out of diapers. Before I’d thought it through I piped up, “Oh, it’s ok! They can use one of my-y-y-y…” and then looked immediately at the ground. The babysitter laughed instinctively, until she realized I was serious. I was deeply embarrassed and swore her to secrecy.

Another time, our family was staying with some family friends who also had a boy my age. When he invited me to sleep in his room I declined, telling him I had a secret I didn’t want him to know. He insisted that he would keep my secret, but I still refused and ended up sleeping in a room with the rest of my family instead. What a shame.

As an adult, any time I’ve felt the need to tell another human being about my, er, interests, it’s accompanied by a thumping heart and blushing cheeks. That has just never gone away.

Loneliness

Isolating feelings fall easily upon anyone who wears a diaper past toilet training age. The stigma locks you in a solitary confinement cell you just don’t dare breach for the sake of your reputation — which makes finding other people like you all the more difficult. And we all yearn for the comfort of another “me too” friend.

In grade school, I remember the relief I felt when I walked into the bedroom of a new friend to see a package of diapers plainly visible in his closet. He was much less protective of his secret — and mine, as it would turn out, after we’d had a few sleepovers together. I showed up at school one day to be confronted by the neighborhood bully who taunted me with the inside scoop he got about me wearing diapers to bed. He was all too happy to give up his source, my new friend who shared my infirmity. I’m sure he was trying to deflect the embarrassment he felt and validate his situation to this bully by sharing my secret. But I felt very betrayed and again so very lonely.

I invited my cousin to sleep over one night. While we were packing up his stuff, his mom instructed him to pack one of his younger brother’s diapers “just-in-case.” This was clearly just an attempt to make me feel supported, but it actually did kind of help. He dutifully put it on that night, and I felt bad for him, but also so very grateful.

The plight of a recreational diaper user is perhaps one of even more isolation. Absent any manifestation of physical need (though there could be arguments made for a psychological one), you don’t tend to earn much sympathy from the outsiders as you might if you were simply incontinent. And we’ve all learned to hide it so well that we can’t even find each other. We can’t congregate or commune with one another. We can’t support and encourage each other face to face. So we’re all just stuck talking to each other over the internet behind nondescript avatars and pseudonyms.

The Precious Gift

A reader reached out to me recently and told me a frightening story of desperation — a reader who, along with the diaper struggle we share, also struggles with some mental health issues. He spoke of a recent moment when he was feeling suicidal and making plans to harm himself. Just as he was about to act on that impulse, he had the thought to go buy diapers instead. So, at 3am he walked into the store and bought diapers for the very first time. Once he did, his suicidal thoughts dissipated, he felt the calm return, he felt rational thought return and ultimately chose life.

We could take this story really far to prove all kinds of points in favor of the average diaper lover. But I’m not going to. While I don’t believe his only two choices were diapers or death, I do understand what it’s like when you can only see two options. In survival situations, your brain diverts oxygen away from rational thought centers toward the centers of instinct, which are best at quick decisions and black and white thinking. I’ve got my own demons causing mischief in my head. I’ve never gotten to the point of suicidality, and my heart goes out to those who are there or have been there. But I get that those kinds of torment can be unbearable and narrow your vision.

If you find yourself in a place where the only choice ahead of you is between harming yourself or someone else, and a diaper — please, just wear the diaper. Meddling with the precious gift of life has irreversible consequences. Everything else can be repaired.

He asked if he’s feeling suicidal, how should he know when to call someone. The answer to that question is always. If suicidal is a word that can describe your state, you need to talk to someone. Start with the Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255).

I know this diaper thing, and life’s other stressors can be debilitating at times. But nothing is bad enough or permanent enough, that taking your life won’t make things worse for you and your loved ones. It’s God’s great gift to mortality — a gift Jesus paid for — a gift your parents sacrificed to give you. At the very least know that I would be devastated to learn that you, my friend in this trial we share, had taken your life. Please cling to it and value it. You can choose almost anything else instead. Just not that.

Community Two

I still maintain that some of the best content on this site comes from the comments many of you have made. For that reason, I like to highlight a few of them from time to time just so they don’t get lost.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories. It’s a huge blessing to me and others like you.

Again, though I’ve tried to pull out the best parts of these comments, I encourage you to click through to the full comments in context. There really are some touching stories in here.

 

THEIR STORIES
These two, more than any of the others really need to be read in full!

Honestly I didn’t know that there were other people out there who struggle with these same feelings until just yesterday. I’ve been struggling with diaper-loving ever since I can remember, and it has been a lonely battle…
So I decided that I NEEDED to tell my husband… As soon as I got the words out, he responded “So all it would have taken for this not to be a problem would have been to buy some adult diapers?” We had a long, deep conversation about things, and decided that my diaper-loving tendencies were something we could live with in our marriage, so long as the sexual aspect of them remains something for intimacy and is used only when we are together…
I want so very badly to keep the Lord’s commandments and do what is right. I’m sure the answer will be slightly different for everyone, but I am so grateful to finally know that I’m not the only one fighting to find answers in this area. Thanks for writing this blog.

Katie

See Full Comment Here >

 

The desire to wear diapers came back a few months after we were married… I ended up buying some and felt so guilty. I tried to hide it from my wife, but I couldn’t… We talked it over and she was just so understanding and loving about it. I knew it was kind of silly, but at times I felt like maybe she loved me less when I used them. But after talking to her she reassured me and expressed her confidence and love in me. And so, for the first time ever, I kept them. It was such a different and even liberating experience just to know that yes, the diapers were there, and it was ok. I could use them if I wanted to, and I knew that my wife would love me anyway. I felt safe for the first time ever. It was like this huge burden was lifted from me in a way that I’d never felt before. I’m still trying to figure everything out myself, but your posts have been such a huge support to me, so thanks for being brave enough to share. I’m sure I’ll share more in the future, but I think this is a good start! So thank you guys so much!
I know that we can get through this. Heavenly Father never does give us things that we can’t handle. And honestly, I feel strongly that the struggles that I have been through with diapers has made me into a better disciple of Christ. It has made me so much more compassionate towards others who struggle, and realize that really everyone struggles with things in their lives.

Josh

See Full Comment Here >

 

DIFFERENT PATHS

Eventually, you need to find a ground to land on that is suitable for living an LDS lifestyle. I firmly believe you can wear diapers and have that side of your life filled while still holding to the guidelines we are taught. The topic that needs to be addressed is “What is safe for YOU?”

Anon

See Full Comment Here >

 

As I was driving home, I felt the overwhelming urges or compulsion to buy some adult diapers. I really felt like it, so I prayed… I felt prompted to talk to a friend… After talking to [him], I walked away from his door and got in my car. I sat down and realized that I felt better. Reach out, not in…
We live in a small world, and people need hope. I’m reading, the world is reading, and eternity is reading. If you need help, don’t stop reaching out.

Jacob

See Full Comment Here >

 

I like to consider that there is a massive domain of possible paths forward and strategies for responding to hunger and most likely there thus exists strategies that will be very effective at harnessing them and having them propel us powerfully in the right direction. Hunger is one of the most significant realities of living–quoting the Mormon scholar Adam Miller: “If religion is about living life rather than dodging it, then this hunger can’t just be brushed aside, tamped down, or covered over. Your heart beats and your lungs expand and your brain thinks and your cells divide becaue of it. Like the ocean tide, the push and pull of your body’s needs give order and direction to your day. They put you in bed at night and pull you back out in the morning. They set your table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They stand you in the shower. They wrap you in warm clothing. Soliciting you, these hungers give body to your most elemental joys.”…
The main objective should be to figure out how this energy can be harnessed for enthusiastic pursuit of righteous living.

Kevin

See Full Comment Here >

 

THE POWER OF SHARING

I have been reading your blog alot this summer, and it has brought me great comfort and support. I’m also a recovering dl, and it’s a dang hard road… I have all of the same goals as you. I almost feel that if a more mature version of myself were to write a blog to me, it would be very, very similar to this. I hope your struggle is going well, and I just want to express my gratitude towards you and your bravery.

Ben

See Full Comment Here >

 

Your background is almost the identical story of my life. Though I assumed there were practicing Christians with these same desires, I still felt that I was a lone freak…
I find encouragement through your words, and the responses of others on this site. Though I still haven’t figured out how to “bridle” this part of my life, or my attachment to it, I do take solace in the fact that there are other men out there who have properly dealt with this and lead meaningful lives in service to God.

Brandon

See Full Comment Here >

 

There is so much strength in talking to others. Really, we all need to find someone who can compassionately tell us we are okay sometimes… and that’s not a bad thing…
The feelings and pride of control and manliness are and should be based on our inner peace and outward actions toward others. Find your solace in accepting who you are with pride.

Kyle

See Full Comment Here >

 

A Beaker

I make plenty of mistakes as I continue my search for the best, most harmonious and peaceful way to live with my peculiar attachment to wearing diapers. The overarching objective is to reduce their importance in my life, and I’ve had to establish some limits to keep me on that trajectory.

Looking back on the times that I have had slip-ups, they’ve always come after I made an exception to those self-imposed guidelines. I thought it might be interesting to some of you if I shared them with you, but do so with some trepidation that they might be received as some sort of cure-all formula. These are all designed specifically to fit my goals and challenges, not yours. But maybe you can draw some inspiration from them. So here they are:

Wear a diaper once or twice a week.
I’ve found that the minimum and maximum are both important for me to maintain control. Too few and it backs up. Too many and it’s always on my mind.

No consecutive diapers.
I am most susceptible as I’m putting on or removing a diaper. When those things immediately follow one another, it can lead to trouble. So basically this just means one diaper a day for me.

Observe diaper curfew.
I’m also less wise and inhibited when it’s late at night. So I don’t allow myself to put a new one on much later than 11-ish.

No diapers in bed.
See previous item. When I’m finally laying down, with outside stimuli turned off, it makes me hyper-aware and therefore more sensitive to the slightest suggestion. Also, I sleep terribly when I’ve got a diaper on.

Quick, standing application and removal.
Putting a diaper on and taking it off should be quick and down to business. In addition, doing it in any other position than standing causes delays and alternate stimuli that can be too much for me.

These are pretty effective for me — so long as I keep my discipline and commitment to them healthy and intact.

Nip and Tuck

My most recent post was a bit of an incomplete thought. It came as I was puzzling about why diapers had been on my mind so much recently. For about a year now, I’ve persisted with this initiative to wear a diaper once or twice a week — on my terms — as a means of harnessing the power this strange affinity has had on me over the years. It has actually been pretty successful for me.

Part of what was so powerful about beginning to occasionally wear diapers, was that it stripped all of the fantasy away and left me with nothing further to explore via imagination — an activity for which the internet was key. So the online diaperverse all but disappeared from my life, with the exception of occasional visits to a pretty tame, well-moderated support forum, and recreational visits to online diaper merchants. The desire just dissipated.

But over time, the obsessive thoughts between diapers started to take hold again, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Until I stepped out of my trance and realized that my occasional “safe” diaper website visits had become a daily affair. Despite my realization, I shrugged it off for a couple weeks. And then the Lord put a tragic cautionary tale in my life of passions left unbridled, and that was the incentive I needed.

So I’m trimming off some extra fat to make for darn sure that I’m not anywhere remotely close to that. A couple weeks ago, I cut myself off from that daily habit and I felt instantly better. Those sites are actually relatively clean, but I think the fact that I was giving the topic a few minutes of intense daily focus, was granting it some adhesion.

Anyway, I’m sure there are still other small, incremental changes I can make that will take me to yet healthier states of coping. Taking inventory now.